homesick

does anybody read this?

it might be best if i don't know. i need a place to express myself tonight. i am homesick. my husband is homesick. we are tired and lonely.

i love adventure. and i love meeting new people. and i love living in different places. but it's hard right now. i used to have coworkers and i couldn't believe how refreshing it was to visit with them a couple of months ago. now, most of my days are spent in the company of a two year old, whom, i love dearly, but doesn't exactly stimulate the mind.

we bought a house that was a great investment. one that we knew we could sell and not lose money on if we had to sell quickly. i am having trouble making it a home. i don't know if it's because in my mind, we will just be packing up again in a few months, or if i'm just being lazy.

i'm tired, physically - i have been for a year. emotionally - i have cried nearly all day.

i miss my friends and family... but it feels as if they don't miss us.

we would get on a plane tomorrow for a visit. or even plan a road trip. but we don't have the extra money.

my husband's job, the one that brought us here and is keeping us here for now, is always in limbo, and for now, they are slow. so he is miserable.

usually, if one of us is in a funk, the other is not. but not today. we're both there. and it sucks.

i hope when i wake up tomorrow, i will feel better.

musings

well, it's been a while since i posted over here... and my how things have changed.

tomorrow i will celebrate the day of my birth 29 years ago. the day after tomorrow i will celebrate the day of my daughter's birth. crazy!

so the other blog is pretty light-hearted, a place for pictures and such. i like to think of this blog as my "adult" blog... where i can voice my opinion about things controversial... i don't have much on my mind right now excect getting this tiny human out of me... but here are some thoughts on the upcoming election:

i'm pretty sure obama is going to be our next president. and he's charismatic and good looking and probably just as moderate as all the others including george w... and so i think we'll be fine. the thing that worries me is healthcare - i've been thinking about this because our coverage is pretty crappy - we'll end up paying maybe $6000 out of pocket over time... and then on top of that my job only covers you for the days you have accumulated unless you have complications or a c-section... it's just tough. i know things always work out and god has a way of taking care of me... but i'm scared.

so back to how that is making me think of the election. the dems are all saying "universal healthcare" and I'm not sure i even know what that really means - but i'm assuming it means we pay higher taxes and somehow get a break at the doctor's office... which means that really, us tax-payers are still footing the bill for all of the non-tax-payers out there... right?

ugh... places like the UK may be able to function well, but they don't have the illegal immigration problem like we do...

did you know that in the first three months of 2006, 70% of the babies born at Parkland Hospital were born to undocumented parents.... and that's a pretty substantial number considering Parkland is the 2nd busiest hospital for births in the US (i think second to atlanta? not sure... but i know they deliver ALOT of babies there)

somebody is paying for those babies - if I have to pay $6000 (and that's what? 30%) imagine what the bill must be for all those babies... and then i get to teach them when they grow up a little... and help pay my own salary with property taxes.

anyway... i don't know where i'm really going with this... except that i'll just keep working and paying my taxes like a good girl... and hope that i don't have to declare bankruptcy to pay for my child. :-)

Do to others....

...as you would have them to do you.

The modern day church takes the cake on feeding children guilt-laden sundays.

Don't get me wrong, it's very subtle and almost caring and genuine. Sneaky, very sneaky.

You are taught to become a martyr to yourself... that you are never going to be good enough without the blood of Jesus. I may believe that I need Jesus' love and acceptance to hang out with him for eternity... but I don't need it to be a good person here on earth.

Plenty of non-believers can be loving and giving and kind and all the things that 1 Corinthians 13 says. I can smile alot and feel genuine love without believing that Jesus died on a cross. I can build houses for hurricane victims and complete beautiful, spiritual art projects as a "pagan."

And all the while, i can feel good, genuinely good, about myself. And I don't believe that has anything to do with Jesus.

Now, let's say I do follow "christian" doctrine. And I live my life in the shadow of Jesus of Nazereth's life. That's just swell. I think if everybody on this planet lived like Jesus did we'd be a whole lot better off... and we'd have some damn good self-esteem. The same could be said about Mother Teresa, the Dali Lama or even some new-age betty living in the forests of Oregon.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that for YEARS I have had no real, true love for myself. At some points in my life, I think the church fed that feeling... by making feel as though without Jesus, I am nothing. That is simply not true. I am a human. I am capable of loving others AS MUCH AS I love MYSELF!!!!! I am capable of doing great things. And I am capable of thinking - of using the brain that God has bestowed upon human nature in positive and creative ways.

I am not capable of being in God's presence without the blood of Jesus. Thank God for that... that's all we should be given. The rest is up to us.

Love your neighbor... but also love yourself. You can't treat someone else kindly if you can't treat yourself kindly.

Under Construction

Bear with me as I try to figure out how to put links on my blog. Right now if you click on "Sharon's World" it takes you to my myspace page... which is definitely not Sharon's world! Here's her blog site... read it, she'll make you laugh (if you're as intelligent as I think you are).

http://donethismanytimes.blogspot.com/

Kinky for Governor!!!

I know some of you have read this on my myspace, but get used to it... election day is coming!

This is the official Kinky Campaign page on Myspace. Accept no substitutes!

TEN REASONS TO ELECT KINKY FRIEDMAN GOVERNOR OF TEXAS


1. "My only special interest group is the people of Texas." Without a political party to appease or lobbyists to pay back, Kinky will answer only to the people of Texas.


2. What's wrong with this picture? The Republican and Democrat candidates spent $100 million in the last governor's race—for a job that pays $100,000 a year! And less than a third of eligible voters showed up at the polls. Texans didn't die at the Alamo so only 29% of us would vote in our elections.


3. Put teachers in charge of education! They do our most important job, yet teachers in Texas get paid over $6,000 a year less than the national average. Kinky will boot the career desk jockeys out of the education system, put teachers in charge at every level, and end teaching to a test that gets dumber every year.


4. Keep our kids safe. Texas prisons are full of drug addicts who are sick, not criminals. Let's get them into treatment and out of prison, so there's enough room to lock up sexual predators for the rest of their lives.


5. If you're born poor, don't get sick in Texas. Only one in five children has health insurance in Texas. If the best test of government and a society is how it treats its poorest citizens, Texas is failing badly.


6. Freedom of speech and freedom of religion. Political correctness has become stifling in Texas. Kinky wants to "de-wussify" Texas. People ought to be able to wish each other "Merry Christmas" if they want to. The Ten Commandments shouldn't be reduced to "The Ten Suggestions." And a man (or a woman) ought to be able to light a cigar once in awhile.


7. Make Texas an international leader in the emerging renewable energy industry. Renewable energy is becoming one of the world's biggest growth industries, and only 0.7% of Texas' energy comes from renewable energy. Using proven technologies like biodiesel—fuel you can grow—we can expand Texas' economy, create jobs, and help get America off the Saudi oil merry-go-round.


8. The two-party system is broken. The current governor isn't getting it done. The Democrats and Republicans in the Legislature aren't getting it done. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result, Texas is plumb crazy.


9. The best people get the job. With no political party demanding patronage jobs for party hacks, Kinky will hire the most qualified person for every job in his administration. Then he'll get out of their way so they can do their job—and make state government really work for the people of Texas.


10. It's time for Texas to declare independence from politics-as-usual. Texans are the most independentminded people in America. The last independent governor of Texas was Sam Houston. The time has arrived for the next independent governor of Texas—Kinky Friedman!

Tribute to Sylvia Plath

One of my favorite poems inspired by Sylvia Plath... composed by yours truly on 19.02.2006, a day before my 27th birthday:

(Inspiration: She wrote in the Bell Jar that there was nothing in life that a hot bath couldn't cure... and oh how right she was...here are my thoughts)

Steaming, cleansing, healing, soothing water
Sweet smell and touch and sight and sound and taste
Every sense engaged in quiet understanding
The weight of the reality of life washed away, down the drain
I've found the cure.

Long time, no blog

Goodness, my ole friend Sharon just posted on myspace that she would be blogging here... and I revisited my blog and realized it's been a while. I like blogging. I really like reading other people's stuff mostly... it inspires me to write... which I used to be really good at... and now I'm not too sure.

Like I use the three periods way too much... I'm not even sure what the technical term is for that... but I tend to over use them.

Bear with me, I'm getting warmed up. I've blogged a bit on myspace... I'll post some of those here.

The past year has been crizzazy. I am now in a full-time relationship for almost one year and have learned more about myself than I ever did in college or church camp or even overseas. It's been a rough journey at times, but a very powerful learning experience at the same time.

I'm working on not letting my relationship define me. For years that was the last thing I wanted... and somehow I've lost little pieces of myself over the past few months. I'm reclaiming those pieces slowly and surely... and with my best friend by my side. It's been worth the growing pains.

Sometimes I miss the Suzanne I used to be.... and then I realize that this is just part of the journey of life. I am still Suzanne and I am still all the things I used to be... just stripping away the tarnish to reveal the stunning chrome beneath.

I hope people will read my stuff and be inspired, entertained or at least killing some time.

And I hope I can rekindle some of the creative writing spark that I had at one point in time.

Saturday, Rainy Saturday

An insanely loud clap of thunder woke us up this morning... every Friday morning the thought that most gets me out of bed is the idea that I can sleep late on Saturday. The thing that sucks is that every morning during the week it's nearly impossible to clambor out of bed and drag myself to work... well I don't really have to drag myself to work... but it's hard to leave the comfort of my bed. So I so look forward to being able to sleep in...
I don't know if it's the excitement of not having anything to do (because we always find a way to fill our time with things to do)... or the excitement of being able to wake up slowly and then savor a couple of cups of coffee and a handful of cigarettes... but it never fails... every Saturday morning... I'm awake and ready to go before I normally would during the week.
Saturday mornings are one of my most favorite times with Shawn... but today I'm cursing the thunder. :-)

NEWSFLASH!

Maybe it's just because I've lived in the "Southwest" all my life... but I'm laughing at the latest "news" on MSN.

"Latino growth surges in U.S."

Really? I never would have guessed.

Personally, I think they're just finally reclaiming what was theirs in the first place.

Tiempos buenos.